I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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