You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize