i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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