So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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