so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
