He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
