There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This couple is walking their pig around campus
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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