this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
