Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
