The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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