I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
