i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
