I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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