How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
