I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
As shirtless as possible
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
