my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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