I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
