First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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