We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
