I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
