I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
