Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
