I wish my penis had an off switch
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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