Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
