If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Someone came in the potted fern
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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