Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
