k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
this just has baby written all over it
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
