Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
