Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
