guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
