I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
