A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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