remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize