I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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