3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
