doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
