my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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