I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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