It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
