I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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