i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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