I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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