Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
