dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
