Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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