it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
