Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
