Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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