So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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