Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
