Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
