I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
