apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
