my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
