Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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