I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
