I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
