No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
