I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
