Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize